December 31st, 2009

It's hard to imagine that 2010 is upon us. 2009 was an eventful year but Dad's diagnosis on September 30th has occupied our thoughts the most. He is such a central part to our family's life and it hurts us to know that he has to endure the battle with cancer. He is a funny, warm, loving, gregarious man that has endured so much already. In 1990 he had cervical mylopathy which made him disabled. He was a very active, athletic man prior to that.. played baseball, softball, basketball, and golf- all in leagues that he loved to participate in. He was the center of any party at that time in his life. He coped with his change in health after years of fighting his pride. It brought him closer to us- he went from a partying man to a family man. Our lives have all been enriched because of the change that he underwent. Now, he is fighting for his life and we are continually in prayer that God will provide a miracle. Quite frankly, it's discouraging to keep praying for a miracle of healing for him and to watch his health steadily decline. A few weeks ago when he had his CAT scan and we found that his largest node was shrinking we were excited and thankful that God was hearing our prayers.. but with that news came the fact that more new nodes had grown. It was DEVASTATING! I haven't been keeping the blog up because we have been so busy with the holidays-- wanting to spend as much time with him as possible and making all of the experiences memorable. I don't know that we were successful in making them the most cherished memories.. but we definitely had a good round of holidays. We ARE THANKFUL that he didn't have to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas in the hospital like he did for Halloween.
I feel like there are times when I am shouting out to God - Why Dad?!?!?! Why NOW? It frustrates me. I yearn to be Dad's arms bearer and his courage and there are certainly times when I feel like I can be that for him.. but there are other times when I don't know what to say or do to make things right. It makes me feel weak in my faith and weak as a man not being able to fix it. How can I reconcile my faith with what is going on with Dad? For years I've been going to church and learning to walk in my faith and expressing it to Dad and he has stayed his ground in saying he believes but never going to church.. How can I be a faithful servant to my GOD and be there for Dad with biblical answers to the pain and grief he is experiencing? I am not really expecting an answer.... but it would be nice to hear one.

Dad starts a new round of Chemo this week.. a great way to bring in the new year. He is feeling mostly good- just tired a lot.. Mom is looking for answers from the Oncologist on Monday hoping to hear something that can help keep HOPE alive within us.

Dad had to face death this week head on. His oldest brother Al's girlfriend Carol passed away the day after Christmas. He, my mother, and my kids had taken an impromptu trip to visit family and they get to Rhode Island to learn she had passed. I can only imagine what Dad must be thinking.. and all of his family as they say good bye to a loved one- knowing Dad is battling a deadly disease. It hurts to think about it. It saddens me, weakens my heart, fills me with emotion and makes me wish I had more answers; more answers I'll likely not get until the time when I am called home to my Heavenly Father.

So.. what to pray. I think I will keep it simple because I am at a low point spiritually today..

Lord God thank you for being in my life. I pray for a renewed Spirit from You. I pray for healing for Dad. I pray that You are present in my life, my Dad's life, and all of my family and friend's lives in the new year. May all Glory and Honor be yours today and forever. In Jesus Christ's precious name I pray. Amen